Robin Hardwick is my Hero

I feel like Robin Hardwick, author of the blog The Dairi Burger and book If You Lived Here, You'd Be Perfect by Now, has done a foot-in-the-door thing for me, with these books. Because she presented us with the idea of making fun of Sweet Valley High (a thing accepted by most people, except the negative-reviewers on Amazon who said it was "mean." They need to get a life). I mean, I've been defacing my SVT books for over a decade, but that's my own private quirk. I'm sure there were oodles of SV fanfic already on the web, but I find that weird because the "serious" fanfic and the parodies are mixed in together. Like, if you're making fun of it, it's not fanfic, it's the opposite. There were some parodies, I think.
I loved her book; it made me LOL. "Francine, stop trying to make rape chic happen." (Even though it needed a good proofreader. Always proofread/ edit before you turn your blog into a book.*)
So yeah, that makes it okay to do my thing (in my mind), especially since she was focused on the absurdity of Sweet Valley High only, and I am doing Sweet Valley Twins (so I'm not copying, promise!). Different series, still absurd. (Jessica was somewhat of a sociopath even at age 12).
Also it's a way to sneak my fantasy and horror themes on people, as a test run for later (to see if I can be an author).
Robin Hardwick also got to interview Francine Pascal and asked her point-blank about the ghostwriters, which is awesome. I love Ms. Pascal's rather vehement response. Yes, technically they did write the books, although Ms. Pascal probably gave them a very detailed outline.

*Or before you turn your Twilight fanfic into hideously bad erotica. Looking at you, E. L. James. With your 50 Shades of Bad Grammar.

Book #2: The Witch

The second book in my parody-series is inspired by book 3 in the Sweet Valley Twins series, The Haunted House (They could have called it The New Girl, but that was book *6*, with Brooke Dennis). It takes place during the first of many Halloweens in the series... (and it is creepy because Elizabeth and her friend Amy both dress as CLOWNS, AAAGH WHY). Nora Mercandy moves to Sweet Valley to live with her grandmother, who all the kids say is a witch because her house is run down and because they have nothing better to do (Internet hasn't been invented yet) than make up shit about a harmless old lady. They taunt Nora mercilessly, calling her a witch too (no originality). Especially the Unicorns, the club to which Jessica (the more annoying twin) belongs. This was in the beginning of the series when the Unicorns were meaner. 

At the end, it is revealed that Nora's grandfather is a retired magician who had a stroke, not a zombie as previously thought (these 12-year-olds are dumb/ horrible). And all is forgiven, even though all the kids treated Nora abominably and she would likely have some post-traumatic-stress to deal with. To which I say WHAT THE FUCK? (To add insult to injury, Nora's character was barely mentioned in later books. Although I think she did join the school newspaper with Elizabeth.) Clearly, this book's message was: Outcasts Deserve to be Taunted, and Will Roll Over and Take It.

So I wrote my own version, with my character Piper disguised as the new girl (with a new name, Fallon Morrison, just to be random) and she really was a witch BWA HA (hence the title... all of my titles are deceptively boring/vague, to conceal the madness inside). So she could get back at her tormentors (with her supernatural powers), especially snobby Lila of the entitled club.* Because that was much more interesting and a lot less annoying. In my story, Piper-the-new-girl's grandmother is a witch too, her grandfather is an evil sorcerer, and her boyfriend from Book 1, Tobey, appears too, as a demon. (I like demons as well as witches. Vampires are #3 on my list of supernatural creatures. Don't care about zombies, werewolves, or ghosts).
Also I put in an inside joke from "The Office" (US) because I love Creed Bratton. (Sometimes I think of actors when I write these characters, and then think, Stop That, Because You Can't Cast a Movie of a Book You Wrote That Isn't Even a Real Thing. I mean, you can, but it'll never happen. Creed would play Fallon's grandfather, and be awesome).

*Lila makes Nora be her slave, they actually use that word, which made me think, they wouldn't have done that with Maria Slater, the Only Black Character (who appeared many books later, in #50), but she was conveniently a former movie star so that made it okay for her to exist in Sweet Valley. Sweet Valley was super white for a California town... shouldn't there have been more Hispanic characters (who weren't just the help)? This was acceptable literature for kids in the late 80s, which makes me furious now. Rarr.

I dedicated this one to my childhood best friend. We used to play Witches when we were little.

Book #1 The Babysitter

I've been writing The Babysitter since I was 16. I only just recently got my shit together to finish it and (self-)publish it.
I always knew I wanted the twins (and their brother Steven) to deal with a witch. I like witches. They was never really a witch in Sweet Valley Twins, though. Unless you count the fairy tale witch in Elizabeth's very linear dream in The Class Trip, Super Edition #1. Noted because she wasn't even dreaming... she had gotten knocked unconscious. But, a nice fantasy dream sequence would be okay for younger readers, the author/ghostwriter must have supposed. Snort. (NEVER MIND THE POSSIBLE BRAIN DAMAGE... and the fact the Amy Sutton must have a SUPER head, because Elizabeth bumped her head on AMY'S head and Amy didn't get knocked out too[!!??]).
Here's the cover image for that book, which conveys"field trip" but not so much "random fantasy sequence" (also, either the twins switched their usual hairstyles or Elizabeth decided to be mistaken for a Unicorn by wearing tons of purple):

There were ghosts in the other Super Chillers, so why not a witch? And by witch, I mean a fantasy-person with magical powers, not a Wiccan. Jessica and Elizabeth at age 12 wouldn't know what to do with a Wiccan. (The Unicorns would probably make fun of a Wiccan, and Elizabeth would befriend her out of pity, but be a little bit scared of her... or condescending, "Magic isn't real," FU*).
Anyway, supernatural powers are more fun in this instance. Because we're all 12 and shit (or were, back in the day).
I reference some of the real Sweet Valley Twins books in The Babysitter:

•  #15 The Older Boy, in which Jessica (age 12) goes on a date with a HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR and doesn't get forced into sex because the book is for 10-year-olds (how handy); 
• #54 The Big Party Weekend, in which their parents go on a trip and leave them with a strict older woman, who they immediately hate and play tricks on, and eventually have a wild party (because all 12-year-olds should be horrible to their elders... that's what all the cool kids do); 
• and Magna Edition #3, Big For Christmas (basically the movie "Big," Sweet Valley Twins style). That last one is important because it sets up my character Piper's backstory, and reason for wanting revenge. (It couldn't be because I personally found them, and their series, annoying. That would be too meta. Although I did consider it).

So, it helps if you remember reading these when you were younger. My books are essentially for women in their 30s who either liked or hated (or both) Sweet Valley Twins books as kids. But I market them as kids books... because they're parodies of kids books. No blatant sexuality or violence; everything is (mostly) like it was in Sweet Valley Twins. But lots of dark humor, natch, that would be better appreciated by adults. (It's kind of weird that my first 3 books are showing up on kids' books/reading sites. Like, whoops. I keep setting the reader age as 13 and up.)
I also reference the miniseries The Frightening Four (SVT #97-100), which was scary (intermittently, and painfully unfunny/boring all the other times) for three books and then ended with *another* instance of Halloween (Halloween #4, by my count), and the ending made no sense, like the ghostwriter just gave up. Suddenly the "villain" of the story wasn't supernatural, even though we thought she was for three books previous (and even though we've dealt with supernatural elements in other books [see ALL the Super Chillers], so that would have been permissible??), and also, if it was twenty-five years later, wouldn't she be 33 instead of a girl?? Or at least 33 and not still the same size to fit in the same raggedy nightgown. Since she's revealed to be (DUMB SPOILERS) a real person and not a Freddy Krueger-type dream-invading monster. Lame. (That was about when I stopped reading these books "seriously" because I felt like I was too old for them. You insulted my intelligence, SVT. I also wrote a scathing review on Amazon in the early noughts that somehow got lost in the early internet abyss). Oh also, the non-monster girl (the "non-sequitur" girl, cos she was so random, haha) wanted "revenge" on the twins' mom, Mrs. Wakefield, for something that happened back when Mrs. W was 12 (referred to as Alice Wakefield even though she was 12 and not married yet... ALICE ROBERTSON, WE KNOW HER MAIDEN NAME from other books)... so naturally she went after the twins, who had nothing to do with it seeing as how they weren't born yet. Um, that's not how it works. (The supposed "backstory" addressing this just popped up incidentally.)
I wanted to make a story that was scary (well, scary in Sweet Valley world, which means scary at a Fourth Grade reading level) and ACTUALLY MADE SENSE. (Well, mostly. If you have any issues with Book 1's magic "rules," just chalk it up to lazy ghostwriting, a hallmark of the original series).
If you're interested, you can buy this book using the links at right. Createspace for paperbacks and Amazon for Kindle (the Kindle versions are cheaper). Summaries/ blog entries of the other two books (and the ones after that, if I decide to publish them) to follow.

 

*well magic isn't real but witchcraft is the use of natural forces to effect change in one's life... bitch (calling Liz a bitch, not you)

Saccharin Valley Twits and Fiends: a Sweet Valley Twins (Horror) Parody Series

I thought I should separate my regular blog from my book blog.
Here's everything you need to know about my first three books:
Like many women in their thirties, I read Sweet Valley books when I was younger. Didn't focus so much on Sweet Valley High (when the Californian, sun-streaked blond-haired, blue-green eyed, perfect-size-six twins were 16) as Sweet Valley Twins, the spin off for "intermediate readers" (this series was when the twins were 12 and in sixth grade... which was weird cos I was mostly 11 in sixth grade, but whatever). The first Sweet Valley Twins book I read was #53, The Slime That Ate Sweet Valley. Purchased from my 4th grade Troll Book Order (remember those?). #53 was also known as, "Mr. Bowman the English teacher takes teaching advice from his students, who are minors without a degree in education, as a plot device, so the sixth-grade class can make their own movie." With video (tape) cameras, natch, cos it took place in the early nineties. Not sure what kind of editing devices they used, since computers were mostly for nerds in these books.

I thought that one was pretty interesting (I was 10) so I decided to get more (I also have a vague memory of reading books 1-3 from my school library in third grade). Then it swiftly became COLLECT THEM ALL. (I was, and still am, "Collect Them All" with a lot of things). I distinctly remember buying a boxed set of the Super Chillers #1-4 from Borders at Waikele Center when I was 11. Along with the latest Super Chiller, #5 The Curse of the Ruby Necklace. I liked the scary ones slightly better. Or the ones where Jessica did something ridiculous and everyone went along with it (see book #46 where Jessica enters a contest illegally and instead of punishing her, her parents teach her a lesson in exaggeration by utterly embarrassing her, bwahaha). She got away with such shitty things. Elizabeth was her enabler. Even at age 12!
At some point I decided they needed to ridiculed, so I started writing and drawing in them. (Attempts have been made to convert all these "defaced" books - with their pages and pages of remarks and doodles in pens of various ink colors - into Post Modern Art. But that would require everyone who came to the gallery to sit and read the books, and be able to decipher my handwriting, and get all the jokes... Like Mystery Science Theater 3000, with books. Didn't really work, alas).
I didn't have ALL the books in the series until my twenties - by then the series was into the 100s, had degraded and vanished (last book published in 1998, probably), and I had already defaced most of the books I owned. I still haven't read a couple of the later ones (which didn't have the same pizzazz), but from #1-#90 (plus the Super Editions, Super Chillers and Magna Editions) I have read each of them, and written in them, up to ten times! I am somewhat of a maniac in that respect. Maybe I'll post some page scans on this blog, so you can see what I mean.
In my teens - late 90s - I started writing my own Sweet Valley Twins stories... but they weren't exactly fan fiction. In fact, almost the opposite - I call it "die die die fiction." As in, the Twins Must Pay for rotting my brain with terrible fluff all those years.
I created a character named Piper who was a witch (such things could exist in Sweet Valley at age 12, because their "Super Chillers" often dealt with ghosts and curses). Piper was out to GET the twins. Bwaha! But she never really succeeded in killing them. This was for two reasons:

1. The twins, being the main characters that everybody LOVED (despite all their flaws) could be put in danger, but they never suffered any physical harm - and more importantly, they never suffered any lasting psychological damage, no matter what scary things (ghosts, not pedophiles... well, except in Super Edition #6, The Twins Take Paris, which wasn't even a Super Chiller!! WHUT... go look at that, it really is a thing!!) they went through. This was so the series could go on and on and nothing would change (except the common-rotation of ghostwriters.)
2. Which brings me to my next point, I had way too many ideas for messing with the twins (at age twelve... so, messing with them in a supernatural way, not an inappropriate way, mind you) to confine to one story. Plus, if I made it a parody, it clearly had to be a series much like the original. Except the stories would ALL be scary (well, scary for 12-year-olds, nothing too extreme, just like the original.) And/or magical, because the ones with fantasy elements - like Magna Edition #1 The Magic Christmas - were also more interesting to me at age 12.

I named my town "Saccharin Valley" to clearly mark it as satire and so it wouldn't be copyright infringement. I changed the twins' names to Elizabeth and Jessica Wastefeld. (I also changed other characters' last names, haphazardly, as a comment on the ghostwriters sometimes mispelling/ misnaming characters. Like one time Tamara Chase was referred to as Tamara Powell, randomly. And Maria Slater was Maria Hughes??).
So, these are the first three books in the series. There will probably be three more. After that, it's beating a dead Unicorn (unless people really like them, then sure, I'll keep writing!).