Alternate Universe Sweet Valley Twins

The rising action in the narrative of my dreams is paved with used books (literally - stacks of books exist where they don't in real life, creating walking paths and walls). Used books, like gumball machines that I can use without putting in a quarter, are something I see in my dreams a lot. They are always secondhand paperbacks, stacked with the spine facing up like at the library book sale. I am hunting through the titles until I realize I'm dreaming and get Lucid. This usually happens when I come across the Alternate Universe Sweet Valley Twins books. The Alternate Universe Sweet Valley Twins books are books that seem like real Sweet Valley Twins books, until I notice that the number is wrong or the title is weird or the cover picture is completely different (and not just because it's Bruce Emmett illustrating instead of James Mathewuse, like the overhaul they did in the late 90s). See here:

(same book, different cover illustrator)
I call them Alternate Universe because they seem like they could exist at first - because one time, in an older copy of a real SVT book, the title listed for the next book (listed at the end, where they usually ask a question and say "Find out in the next book [title]") was different than when the next book actually was printed/ published. Like, #33 was listed as The Wakefields' Visitor at the end of Book #32 but when #33 really came out, it was called Elizabeth's New Hero. Clearly just publisher oversight due to the fact that the next book in the series comes out every month. But the alternate title would exist in a parallel universe.
I like to think that Piper, my character, exists in the Alternate Universe Sweet Valley Twins books. Of course, once I happen upon one in my dream, then realize I'm dreaming, the book changes/ ceases to exist. It's hard to hold onto things in dreams. Sometimes I get lucid enough to realize, "Damn, my brain is awesome for being able to completely recreate, visually and as a tactile sensation, a mental version of all these books." With title and layouts and cover pictures and text inside that I can sort of read, sometimes.

A Trickle of Royalties, Can't Complain

Got a notice from Amazon KDP saying a deposit would be made soon. I sold a smattering more copies of the Kindle versions of my books. Yay! Love that game. Although if it could explode into popularity, that would be nice too.
I was just reading The Heretic's Daughter by Kathleen Kent and thinking about Book 6 again. I haven't published it, so there's no need to worry that it's in poor taste. (In it, Piper the witch sends the inane twins back in time to Salem Village, 1692. Or actually, a facsimile in which the twins' family, friends and teachers all play a part.) They don't get hanged though, because the twins have a special immunity to being killed, from being the main characters (and from being 12, in the SVT series). Even when put in various dangerous (and/or supernatural) situations. I guess I'm just commenting on how fucked up that time period was, with the religious zealots, and the humorless Puritans and the sexism and racism. Women were owned by their husbands, slaves were owned by their masters, and children weren't allowed to play. It was bleak. And they were thoroughly convinced that they were doing their god's work. (It was entirely possible that they could sentence a 12-year-old to hang for a conviction of witchcraft, that's how serious they were. Although sentencing fictional characters to hang just for being annoying would be... odd.)
Furthermore, by "Sweet Valley-izing" it, I'm commenting on how resilient the twins are, no matter how ridiculous (and unrealistic) the dangerous situation is. (At some point Piper will give up trying to murder the twins, because it just doesn't work. Haha)
At any rate, waiting to see if I ever get reviews (or comments on this blog) concerning the first 3 books before I publish the next 3.

Rebooting SVH? Ugh.

I guess they're rebooting Sweet Valley High for TV? Or talking about it, or thinking about it... but, the Diablo Cody SVH movie still hasn't happened, so probably not. And would it be an 80s/90s nostalgia thing, or would it be completely updated like the new versions of the first few Sweet Valley High books? Because the latter sucks all the fun out of it. I was hoping if Diablo Cody made the movie it would still be 80s.

I remember when SVH the TV series came out, I was like, 12, and was mad that it wasn't Sweet Valley Twins (being that those were the books I read at the time). I was also mad that it listed *some* cities/ stations, but not mine. Like they listed 10-20 stations the show would be on and then just gave up and were like, Check Your Local Listings. It was like they were dissing my city (which at the time was Honolulu, HI and then Charleston, SC). I mean, not really, it's just that before the Internet really got going, it was harder to get information. The TV Guide was print, on paper, and came in the newspaper. Good times.
For an SVT show, I had it all worked out: each book in the main series would be half an hour long, and the "Super Editions" and "Super Chillers" could be hour-long specials (And Magna Editions would be 2-hour long Christmas TV movies?? haha). I mostly just wanted to see the Super Chillers, a la Goosebumps. And surely it wouldn't be too hard to find an 11- or 12-year-old pair of blond twins, even if they didn't have "sparkling blue-green eyes"? That would have been awesome, but instead I had to use my imagination and shit.
Now, obviously I want my parody series to be televised or made into movies, but as we all know, that isn't a thing. Unless I change all the names and pretend it's not fanfiction, like E. L. James did. But then it wouldn't be a parody - removing all the Sweet Valley in-jokes would leave a bizarre story of flakiness, (non-wiccan i.e. pretend/fake) witchcraft and puberty. Whatevs.
I'll keep dreamin', y'all.

Something that makes me feel weird...

So, when you click on the Amazon link, you see that my books are available *used* from sellers. I find that weird. Like, did the seller actually read it and is done with it, and is reselling, or did they just buy it to resell (or are they only buying the book - ordering the copy from Createspace - if it sells)? And how are they making a profit if it's the latter. I mean, they're charging more, but no one would buy it at a higher price. Also, I've revised/ corrected typos in my books multiple times, so depending on when they bought it, it could be a "wrong"/ earlier copy.
I know, I think too much. I just want my books to be liked, and also to be PERFECT (no typos, at least. I stand by my [sloppy] Rules of Magic for Piper, the witch babysitter).
And you usually only sell used copies of books that are in demand. So far, mine aren't. I hope they will explode on the scene at some point (even if for being bad, like 50 Shades of Gray... well, I don't have bad grammar/ incorrect colloquialisms in my books, and I don't want to be the bete noir of erotica - they aren't erotic so that's ok - but it does read like fan fiction.... really good fan fiction, I think. I guess what I'm saying is, it would be ok to be popular for being someone's guilty pleasure-reading).
I just threw out two earlier "wrong" copies of my books that were published on Blurb. I didn't want them to exist. I could've recycled them, but I didn't want to chance someone happening upon them by mistake, treating them like real books, and then disregarding them purely for formatting errors/ typos. That was my first try in publishing. Didn't have all the kinks worked out yet.
Yesterday I scoured my defaced-SVT books to find a doodle of Piper (my character in these books) to post on my FB page... but I didn't find one "good" enough.
Typical.

Sweet Valley Tropes

My audience for these books is very specific: I am targeting women in their 30s who either liked or hated Sweet Valley Books in the mid-eigthties to mid-nineties. However, feel free to read them if you are:
-of any other gender
-that age but only vaguely aware of those books or
-a younger person (well, 13+) looking for a YA horror/ fantasy/humor mashup
and see how it goes. Although I do think you should have some familiarity with Sweet Valley to get the jokes. There were certain elements that were hallmarks of the series. These tropes include:

• Jessica & Elizabeth LOOK exactly alike but have different personalities. So different that their creator called them "the good and bad sides of one person". Which is kind of an insult to twins. You can write about twins and give them different personalities (and have them be interesting) without commenting on their morality. I guess that isn't EXCITING or EXTREME enough, so we ended up with one twin who was boring and condescending and the other twin was a sociopath. This is more prevalent in Sweet Valley High. In Sweet Valley Twins (where they are 12), these extreme personalities are toned down. But still, Jessica will do something awful to her twin and Elizabeth will smile and say, "I could never be mad at you!" (Ugh). Or she's mad but then they make up by the end of the book. How handy.
• The twins are the main characters and everyone LOVES them. In Sweet Valley Twins (*and Friends*) there's always some random person who is new to the school or goes to the school already and is being mentioned now, because either Elizabeth is trying to "help" them (the token charity case), or if they're deemed "interesting" enough to be bugged by the Unicorns (Jessica's snobby club), then that happens (either the person is famous or "cool" and the Unicorns fawn all over them, or they're a freak and therefore snubbed by the Unicorns, while simultaneously being befriended/ felt sorry for by Elizabeth.) (This trope comes in handy for inserting my character Piper into the story and having it still feel "real"/SVT.)
• When supernatural events happen (in the Super Chillers books), the books ends neatly with the twins defeating the ghost/ breaking the curse/ solving the mystery and coming out relatively unscathed in terms of both physical and emotional injury. Then future books pretend nothing happened. (They are Stand-Alone plots). In Sweet Valley High the danger factor was heightened and made more realistic since they were older (i.e. less hauntings and curses, more drug rings, kidnapping, attempted murder).
• The twins always have money to buy things they want (especially when the item in question is relevant to the plot), despite only being paid in 1980s 12-year-old's allowance (sometimes without even doing their chores! WHAT KIND OF BIZARRO WORLD IS THIS), or else Jessica wants a new purple sweater and makes her parents/Liz buy it for her. In Super Chiller #1, The Christmas Ghost (confusingly both a Christmas story and a ghost story - a la Dickens - PICK A THEME HERE), Elizabeth wants a carousel horse statue (??? why) and Jessica decides she likes it too, and wants ALL THE PRESENTS so she convinces their parents that only she wants it and Elizabeth didn't like it at all. Then 3 Ghosts magically appear to tell Jessica that she's being a bitch, just in time for Christmas morning, so she reforms (but it doesn't last, obviously, because future books pretend like nothing happened/ Jessica is "reset.").
• Endless sixth grade year, with multiple Halloweens, Christmases, Spring Breaks, and even summer (they never say whether it's the summer before sixth grade or the summer after, weird). Endless school projects too, usually just in time to coincide with something similar happening to the twins outside of school, for a free Learning Experience.
• When things get dull at Sweet Valley Middle School, a New Student (or Prince/Movie Star in Disguise) always comes to shake things up. Depending on who it is, all future books must incidentally mention that person so we remember they go to this school now. It helps if one of them is friends with Our Stars, the twins. Or if it's a Super Edition/ Super Chiller, then they never have to be mentioned again. (GOOD we didn't like you anyway)

More Tropes in future posts :-)

New FB Author page...

I made an author page on FB from my regular page... so people (the random, hypothetical people who read my books) can Like... or tell me I'm crap. I feel very exposed.




















 I hope I don't get sued... but... parody laws, right?

Cover Designs

This is taken from my other blog, put here for handy reference.
>>Also, I'm considering re-designing the covers. I can design better covers than that. (Which is why I'm publishing under a pseudonym, so my former teachers won't be embarrassed.) It's just that my books are parodies of Sweet Valley Twins, and the cover reflects that, using the same dopey fonts, 90s layout, and an illustration in the style of James Mathewuse (who always made the twins in Sweet Valley High look like they were posing for a Sears catalog... and at 12, they're also ridiculously glamorous... or had various fashion mishaps*). I have to think about that more. Probably leave them the way they are for now. But I would love to redesign the covers for shits and giggles, maybe do something minimalist with object imagery instead of illustrated people. That would attract more readers. But they wouldn't know what they're getting into. It would be like a smack in the face. "What is this I don't even".




*Some of my favorites include "Liz's fly is open" (it was rendered in a way that made it look like that) and "Sure, wear a blue headband with a purple shirt... it matches." 
I feel like the Unicorn Club books (the series when the twins were in 7th grade and the Unicorn Club got a humanitarian makeover, and therefore included Elizabeth) was when James Mathewuse lost touch with reality as far as current fashion trends. The girls were often depicted wearing purple socks that matched their shirt when that trend died at least five years prior. Or like a big shirt over tights... maybe it was supposed to be a tunic top over leggings. (Yes, I'm the cover-illustration Fashion Police.)