More Honest SVT Book Titles

because I'm bored at work bad at life

7. Does Anyone Really Care About Mary? The Twins Do, At Least for Now
8. Lila has a Horse and Elizabeth is JEALOUSE*
9. Sophia is Trash, No She Isn't, We Like Her. Do We? YES
10. Ye Random Character Pamela Has a Heart Defect, but also Jessica Wants to Fake Being Sick for the Attention
11. Jessica and Ellen Found Buried Treasure and Wanted to Keep the Money for Themselves, Those WHORES
12. Everyone is Interested in Our Stupid Made-Up Language
13. Mary Hates Her Stepdad's Boat (Although this book is about Mary, for some reason Jessica and Ye Random Dude are on the cover)

14. Jessica Would Make a Terrible Class President (or Treasurer? Can't remember)
15. Older Boys Still Want to Date** You Even if You're Clearly TWELVE

That's just off the top of my head, from memory. I should post altered photos of the book covers.

*SA REMEMBER THIS?? LOL

**they want to do more than that, but this book is for 12-year-olds so instead of him forcing her to have sex with him, he takes her on a surprise double date to the CIRCUS

Book 3 improvements

I just found a bunch of typos/ things I wanted to change in Book 3, The Fortune Teller (of course I did). I fixed them and saved a copy as a Word Doc and as a pdf and something else, maybe rtf. I really have to remember how to upload them to Kindle. Like, what format they need to be in. I could probably redo the paperback with the pdf. (ETA: I forgot, just export it as .epub, duh.)
I want to publish Books 4 & 5, at least in paperback for myself. But I still don't have the cover pictures right. I tried to depict Jessica as a vampire and it ended up looking like Kristen Chenowith.

ETA: OK now both paperback and Kindle ebook should be updated. Check your "Digital Account" on Amazon, and "Manage Content and Devices" and look for The Fortune Teller (if you bought it, obvs) and see if there are updates. I always hope it happens this way. (As opposed to everything becoming messed up). I'm not sure if anyone actually bothers to do this (update their Kindle books to correct mistakes), but I hope they do.

Maybe I'll post that Illustration. But it's in the Creative Cloud.
ETA: OK here it is. I was working on the cover for book 5 recently. You may even see them published soon.  Behold the disembodied head:

 

 

ETA 2: THIS is what I wanted it to look like. Bwahaha.

 

Still here

Well I obviously didn't delete all this shit.
I got a new MacBook, last fall, and looking at my files for Books 4 & 5 I realized I had lost all my fonts. So I had to reinstall them, and then I noticed my formatting (section break, insert blank page, no header on new chapter pages etc) was all weird. So I'm still working on that. But I still like to read them. And Book 6, The Babysitter II, which is really messed up and will probably never be published.
There was a piece on Francine Pascal in Entertainment Weekly. She says people tell her "I used to hate to read... " and then they found SVH books. Which I first misread as, I Used to Hate to Read SVH Books (because they were terrible, LOL). She did admit to the thorough Whiteness of Sweet Valley. "Those were different times," ugh.
I still kind of hope there will be an SVH movie, but I don't care as much about SVH as I do SVT. SVT, they were younger so there could be ghosts and curses and shit that didn't make sense like Eva Sullivan (staying 8 years old for 25 years, apparently. Or being 33 but still girl-sized, so she still fit into her nightgown and stupid bunny slippers?) And their mom was Alice "Wakefield" even at age 12, with her married name because the ghostwriter was too lazy to look up her maiden name (Robertson, which we as readers knew) or else they thought readers would be confused. (We were more confused by your weak-ass plot. Spoiler alert: Eva wasn't a dead Freddy Kreuger-esque monster influencing the twins' [and their friends'] dreams; she was a child who had been babysat by the twins' mom back in the day, who was sleepwalking and walked off a balcony. And didn't die but stuck around planning her "revenge". Suddenly, Alice [Robertson] Wakefield has this aversion to Halloween that was never mentioned before. How handy!).
I'm just rambling at this point. You know all of this (fictional fan of my Saccharin Valley Twits books, who is reading this blog and is a person not a bot, and is well-versed in Sweet Valley Twins).

Super Blue Blood Moon

You'd think, with the Super Blue Blood Moon coming up tonight/ tomorrow (even tho we won't be able to see it from the US), this would be the appropriate time to publish/ promote Book 4, The Vampires Part 1: Blood Moon. In which Jessica gets a crush on an eighth grade boy who is actually a vampire. And Piper is a new student at Saccharin Valley Middle School, yet again but under a different name, and Tobias runs a Halloween costume store reminiscent of the one in Buffy Season Two. Also there's a creepy old house, because there's always a creepy old house. I stole the "Old Luna Place" (hence the Blood Moon) from Super Chiller #9 and instead made another character live there. Who is aNOTHER vampire, pretending to be an author. Whom Elizabeth interviews for the Sixers, because of course she does. Instead of turning evil from wearing a mask she got from a dog's mouth, in this book Elizabeth has to go rescue Jessica because Jessica has gotten herself turned into a vampire. That's actually at the end of Part 1. Book 5 is Part 2.
Anyway, I didn't plan properly (the book is finished, but I'm still not happy with the cover picture) and I don't care because I'm too depressed. So, very likely I am not going to do that, but instead I am going to shut all this shit down. Delete this blog, delete my other blog, delete my books from Kindle Direct Publishing, and my account with them. Sorry, handful of people who allegedly read and/or liked (or people who hated them but didn't say anything) my books. I mean, you will still have them on your respective Kindles, probably.
Also I can do this at home now that I have internet service at my apartment, but I'm doing it at work because I'm a terrible person.

Honest Titles for Sweet Valley Twins

I just thought of something new to blog about.
Like the "Honest Movie Trailers" on YouTube, here's the some titles of SVT books that are more accurate than the real ones.

1. Best Friends, Except When it Suits the Story for The Twins to Have a Falling Out, And They Always Make Up Neatly at the End
2. Elizabeth is Teacher's Pet, But Not Really, Because Jessica Just Wants All the Attention in Ballet Class
3. The House That's Not Haunted; It's Just an Excuse to be Shitty to the New Girl
4. Elizabeth's Best Friend Amy Wants to Be a Cheerleader Because She's Good at Gymnastics But the Unicorns Hate Her
5. Jessica is Terrible at Dog-Sitting, in Order to Go to A Rock Concert
6. Girls Who Seem Snobby and Mean are Really Just Having Trouble Dealing with Their Parents' Divorce

(will upload pix later)
Here's the real ones for now:

lolololol.
See Also: Paperback Paradise, who is not me, but is hilarious (s/he looks at the dopey vintage cover and writes a new title based on what s/he thinks it should be about)
Also maybe I should be on Twitter. (no don't make me)

Now publishing in Paperback through KDP

WOOT
OK now you can use the link at the right for both Kindle & PB

New Year, no new books.

I thought, what if I just went ahead and published Books #4 and 5? (Book 6 needs work). And if I continued the series, and wrote more books than just #1-6, I could re-publish those books with updated listings of all the books in the series inside, just like SVT did when they kept churning out new books in their series. But, no one cares, so why Supply when there isn't Demand? It's not Pottermore all up in here, alas.
Last night I re-read books 2 and 3 (found a couple minor typos STILL in Book 3), and thought they were Kicky Awesome. Probably because I'm ovulating and feeling good about myself. There were lots of newer bits that I had forgotten I'd added.
At some point I'm going to blog ideas for future books (Piper is the Count Olaf* of Saccharin Valley Twits: she can't kill them but won't stop trying, and won't ever go away), and maybe "Rejected Ideas For Evil Stories (see previous post)" that include the purple-prose semi-erotic fanfic-y stories I wrote when I was younger. That is what an author would do if her books were popular, which mine aren't (yet).
Also, on my KDP Sales Report, I saw there was a "Units Returned" (1). Aww, boo. But, that's only one out of however many people that have bought them. I hope it wasn't from formatting issues (on Kindle)!

In the meantime I keep posting pictures that show "Defaced SVT" on my FB page (Polly Esther Rayon).

*Super excited about the ASUE Netflix Series! Based on the casting I've already seen, it's going to be nifty. Entertainment Weekly graded it A-. They hated the new Oz-based series on NBC (Emerald City), though. I liked it, maybe. They had Tip and Mombi, so that was kicky. (From the second book, referring to Princess Ozma under a spell.)  And OLAFUR (Darri Olafsson) was one of the munchkins. I'm still re-reading the L. Frank Baum Books and Tarl Terlford's prequels. I also think movies could be made based on Danielle Paige's Dorothy Must Die series. Those were awesome and paid attention to the other Baum books (i e including characters like Jellia Jamb). In a way, my parodies are like that - taking characters that everyone supposedly loved (the Sweet Valley Twins) and subverting them - The Twins Must Die. (Bwaha).
ETA: Hey, I see a new 5-star review on GoodReads!! Thank you Carley Adair! That makes me happy